YOUR NUMBER’S UP, SANTA

December 18, 2013
SANTA SATIRE (NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN)

WARNING: The following blog post is not for those who cherish Christmas cheer, or consider themselves fans of Santa’s work. Instead, we bring you some worrying evidence that not all is well in the North Pole.

SANTA SATIRE (NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN)

ELF UNION
If someone were to offer you a full time job, with only a one-day holiday per annum, salary of candy canes and “festive cheer” to get you through, you’d decline, right? But the poor people of the North Pole have no choice. Have you ever heard of an elf union? Us neither. VIVE LA RESISTANCE.

SANTA SATIRE (NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN)

WORKLOAD
What does Father Christmas do all year whilst his little helpers bust an ass designing and developing millions of toys? Oh, the naughty or nice list. Well we’re calling bull reindeer sh*t. SC works one day year and spends the rest lazily judging you.

SANTA SATIRE (NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN)

BIG MAN
Let’s be honest, Father Christmas is a little “larger than life” when it comes to his waistline, while the elves are wasting away. What gives? The evidence is all too clear – gross malnourishment, resulting in generations of stumped growth genetics. Feed your workers.

SANTA SATIRE (NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN)

ANIMAL RIGHTS
If you’ve ever seen a real reindeer, you might have noticed they’re not the most nimble of animals. The concept of six of them pulling a trillion-ton sleigh AROUND THE WORLD really does raise suspicion to this “magic dust” he’s been feeding them. It’s called doping mate, and when the RSPCA raise the funds to venture to the North Pole, you’re in trouble.

SANTA SATIRE (NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN)

THIEF
With a not-for-profit business model, how does Santa develop millions of toys every year, and pay his workforce? We have no evidence (yet), but we can only conclude that the man is stealing your valuables when he technically breaks into your home. Keep your eye out for bearded men in your local Cash for Gold.

P.S. JK – bring us presents please Santa!