PIMP MY PROFILE: JFK’S GUIDE TO DATING

February 5, 2014
 PIMP MY PROFILE: JFK’S GUIDE TO DATING

Shout-out to all the single peeps crying into a ready meal for one and reading this blogpost right now. We know you’ve not got *actual* IRL time to find someone to put with your weird/gross habits forever and ever, so we asked Noisey editor/ Girl Eats Food presenter, Jo Fuertes-Knight, to give us the DL on how to bag your V-Day babe via the lazy guy/gurl’s dating app, Tinder.

True love is just a swipe away…

THE SELFIE SELL

For the profile pic, girls can always go with the tried and tested duck face. Guys, don’t take a picture of yourself wearing a suit in a hotel bathroom. It looks like you’re going to court. Just make gun fingers in the corner and shut up.

The Selfie Sell

STRAIGHT UP

Be pretty up front in your caption even if that means you’re just DTF from the start. The ultimate creeps are the ‘nice guys’ who write a line of poetry or any kind of rap bars. Fake nice guys: you are the worst.

Straight Up

IT’S A MATCH

You’ve got to gage your potential partner by either opening with a threat of violence or asking them to meet up immediately. Long lasting relationships are based on the other person being at your beck and call; real love is someone covering up a murder for you.

It's A Match

‘UR BEAUTIFUL BB’

People who take compliments well are psychopaths. If you do receive a compliment just go in hard and respond with, ‘yeah I know’, and see what they do.

Ur Beautiful Bb

DRESS TO (UN)IMPRESS

When I was a teenager in Barnet, I was all about a tight little dress, big hair and a full face of make-up. Now my tact is to turn up looking as disappointing as possible, without being completely rough. I wouldn’t wear a push up bra or much make-up. Basically what I’m saying is, be the medium version of yourself.

Dress To (Un)Impress

THE IDEAL VENUE

Once you’ve agreed to meet up, the best place to take your date is the zoo. It’s ideal because you have to go in the day, you don’t have to look at the other person if they’re ugly and you can run away if it gets dangerous/boring. Plus, it’s expensive so if the guy doesn’t pay for the ticket, you can judge him.

The Ideal Venue

PLAY IT COOL

I once went on a date where the guy got shit-faced and started shouting, ‘WHERE IS THIS GOING? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?’ He text me the next day to say how awkward the date had been. He was clearly a murderer.

Play It Cool

BILLS, BILLS, BILLS

Say, ‘I’ll get that half’. Guys, you should at least go Dutch. There have been too many times where I’ve paid the entire bill because my date’s ‘lost’ his wallet. One time I paid for a guy’s groceries.

Bills Bills Bills

FOREVER LOVER?

Seal that second date by handcuffing them to you. Failing that, you’ve got to be in that shit game where you wonder how long the gap should be between texting. If you’re twitching for each other, it’s fine to text straight away. If you get the feeling that shit went wrong, then cut that cord off and never speak to them again.

Forever Lovers

There you have it – the foolproof guide to not repulsing a potential mate. Go forth and multiply (your chances of finding someone to spend Valentine’s with).

For more of Jo’s sage words of wisdom, go check out her work on Noisey, watch her face at Girl Eats Food, or follow her on Twitter @FUERTESKNIGHT. xo